So now I'm fucked.  I've probably ruined any chance I had of being friends with my ex-boyfriend.  I shouldn't even care, but I do still care about him.  Apparently he doesn't care about me, though.  When he wrote back to me last night, he said he doesn't feel a connection to me like he used to anymore.  Ouch.  I mean I know he doesn't love me anymore, and I get that the connection isn't going to be the same.  But I just want to be friends.  I don't want to get back together with him, and frankly, right now I don't want to get together with anyone.  I feel like I'm not good for anyone and that no one, no matter how sweet they are, will be good for me.  I just want to wrap myself in a protective cocoon like Katie mentioned.  I just don't want to be affected by any of this shit anymore.  I don't want to care.  I wish I could just go somewhere and forget all this crap ever happened. 
So what happened last night was that I was talking to Mike about how I was feeling, at his urging.  I didn't really want to say, but he kept telling me to talk.  Then he said that if I wanted to work things out with John and be his friend again that I'd have to make that first move and talk to him, even though I told him that I put it in John's power to take that first step.  I left it up to him and didn't want to disrespect that.  But of course, at Mike's urging, I did.  He made it seem so silly to not talk to him, like I was taking everything too seriously.  He kept saying that if he still cared about me that he'd want to hear from me.  I wrote him a message on facebook which I later regretted, but not more than what I did later.  Mike told me I should talk to him online, using either my own screen name or his.  I didn't want to use his because I didn't want John to think I was trying to trick him into talking me, which is exactly what happened.  I feel so fucking stupid now, and I've probably ruined any chance I had of ever reconciling things and him being ok with me.  This whole time, and even while we were dating, I was so afraid that I'd be lumped together in a group with his other psycho exes, and now I probably will be.  He'll probably complain about me, just as he does about them.  I don't want that; I want him to respect me, and remember me fondly.  If I can't be his friend, I at least want that.  It hurts that he doesn't want to talk to me or be around me.  I kind of feel the same way sometimes just because I don't know how I'd feel to see him again, but part of me wants to see him again just to get the initial weirdness out of the way.  I'm scared to see him, especially now.  At the end, he said he still wanted to be friends, but I wonder if he really meant it.  Especially now, he probably doesn't, and that hurts.  I just feel betrayed, on both sides.  I shouldn't be mad at Mike, but he kept urging me and saying that it'd be fine and that I worry too much.  That part is true, but if I hadn't talked to John, none of this would have happened.  I've been so happy these past few weeks, but now everything feels like it's crashing down.  I just want to be numb to the world and be incapable of thinking about all these stupid things.  I feel like being in a relationship is the stupidest thing a person can do because it's just bound to fail and all you're going to end up feeling is hurt.  I just want to separate myself from everything and everyone so I can protect myself from ever getting so close to someone and therefore, so hurt.

I was just talking to my friend Mike, and he was telling me he's having a hard time with his long-distance relationship.  I was listening to him, and trying to be supportive, but not really knowing what to tell him.  Then he was saying things like, I just love her so much, and I can't imagine not being with her, etc.  It just kind of got me thinking that I don't know if John ever felt those things about me.  I kind of doubt that he would ever have said, I just love her so much, or anything of the sort.  I don't doubt that he loved me, or at least thought he did for a short time, but I wonder if he ever felt that strongly.  I certainly did, but then again, I'm a super emotional person.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, which is good in some ways, but bad in many more.  I hate that people can read every emotion I'm feeling at any time on my face.  Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it.  It's like people can read my mind, and that can be very irritating at times. 
I don't know, I guess I'm just kind of feeling mixed emotions lately.  I really want to go back and get school started, and back to friends, but there are some things I'm dreading, too.  I wish I could just stay wrapped up in my protective little bubble (or cocoon, as Katie put it ) that I've been building up over these past few weeks and just not let anything get to me.  I don't want to let anything, or anyone, in.  I'm afraid of getting too close to someone, just to get hurt again.  I know it's a part of life, but it's so hard to accept.  I'm lonely, and I wish I still had someone there to comfort me, to hold me, to wipe the tears away, and to sleep next to me.  Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find someone who wants to stick with me for the long run, or if I'll just go from one relationship to the next, never finding that real love.  It makes me feel really sad, and very alone.  It's hard enough to find people who get me, let alone someone who can tolerate me on a day to day basis, who will want to be with me forever.  All  I know is that both people and love are incredibly fickle.