I'm excited to go back to school tomorrow, but I'm also suddenly apprehensive. I'm scared of running into him. I'm scared of seeing him, and I don't really know why. As I've said before, part of me wishes I could just avoid ever running into him again. I wish I could just pick up and move somewhere, like London, where I'd never have to see him and constantly be bombarded by reminders of him. It's not that I want to forget him, or what we had together. Quite the opposite. It's just that for some reason, I'm really afraid of what will happen when I see him. I don't trust myself to be the way I have been. I've been feeling so good about things 90% of the time, but I'm afraid that the first time I see him, that'll all fall apart, and I'll be a dribbling mess. And Brenda told me that it'll hurt when he starts to see someone else. I hope it doesn't, but am pretty sure it will. Right now, I feel fine about it. I want him to be happy, and obviously he's going to date again, so I hope that in realizing that, it won't hurt as much as part of me thinks it will. As I said, I don't want to forget him, but I do wish I could just avoid anything that will cause me pain at this point. For some reason, every so often, I'm more sensitive about it than usual. I'm normally able to talk about it with people and be just fine; no tears, no sadness, it's just a fact of life, and I can talk about it now without being emotional. But lately, in spurts, I get really sensitive. I won't be talking to anyone; usually I'm off by myself on a walk or something. I think it's prompted by certain songs on my iPod and certain memories that spring up. As a combination, they make me a tad bit weepy, and that's really weird since I've been so good lately. Maybe it's because I'm so close to actually going back, and the possibility of running into him will be increased. I just wish I could avoid and ignore all this emotional crap. I want to move on and just be happy, and to eventually be able to be happy with someone else.
For now, I should get back to packing...
Comments (1)
I know the feeling...it feels safer inside the cocoon we build for ourselves in that we can create a safety net of our carefully constructed feelings about something or someone. The problem is that sometimes those positive steps we make can be undone by seeing that thing or person that spurred all the heartache in the first place.
I hope that you can find that strength inside yourself to hold onto what you have built in the past few weeks. I know that it might be hard to see him again, but maybe it will give you closure, too...it might help to see him and if there are feelings there, that's ok...if they have faded a little, that's ok, too. It's natural to feel pangs just because that was something incredibly special for you, and it's familiar and safe...but at the same time, look at all the things you have discovered about yourself since the parting...I can see it...he probably will see it as well.
Maybe he is worried there are going to be returning feelings, too, so play it cool. Be yourself, because you are amazing, and that can never steer you wrong.