So now I'm fucked. I've probably ruined any chance I had of being friends with my ex-boyfriend. I shouldn't even care, but I do still care about him. Apparently he doesn't care about me, though. When he wrote back to me last night, he said he doesn't feel a connection to me like he used to anymore. Ouch. I mean I know he doesn't love me anymore, and I get that the connection isn't going to be the same. But I just want to be friends. I don't want to get back together with him, and frankly, right now I don't want to get together with anyone. I feel like I'm not good for anyone and that no one, no matter how sweet they are, will be good for me. I just want to wrap myself in a protective cocoon like Katie mentioned. I just don't want to be affected by any of this shit anymore. I don't want to care. I wish I could just go somewhere and forget all this crap ever happened.
So what happened last night was that I was talking to Mike about how I was feeling, at his urging. I didn't really want to say, but he kept telling me to talk. Then he said that if I wanted to work things out with John and be his friend again that I'd have to make that first move and talk to him, even though I told him that I put it in John's power to take that first step. I left it up to him and didn't want to disrespect that. But of course, at Mike's urging, I did. He made it seem so silly to not talk to him, like I was taking everything too seriously. He kept saying that if he still cared about me that he'd want to hear from me. I wrote him a message on facebook which I later regretted, but not more than what I did later. Mike told me I should talk to him online, using either my own screen name or his. I didn't want to use his because I didn't want John to think I was trying to trick him into talking me, which is exactly what happened. I feel so fucking stupid now, and I've probably ruined any chance I had of ever reconciling things and him being ok with me. This whole time, and even while we were dating, I was so afraid that I'd be lumped together in a group with his other psycho exes, and now I probably will be. He'll probably complain about me, just as he does about them. I don't want that; I want him to respect me, and remember me fondly. If I can't be his friend, I at least want that. It hurts that he doesn't want to talk to me or be around me. I kind of feel the same way sometimes just because I don't know how I'd feel to see him again, but part of me wants to see him again just to get the initial weirdness out of the way. I'm scared to see him, especially now. At the end, he said he still wanted to be friends, but I wonder if he really meant it. Especially now, he probably doesn't, and that hurts. I just feel betrayed, on both sides. I shouldn't be mad at Mike, but he kept urging me and saying that it'd be fine and that I worry too much. That part is true, but if I hadn't talked to John, none of this would have happened. I've been so happy these past few weeks, but now everything feels like it's crashing down. I just want to be numb to the world and be incapable of thinking about all these stupid things. I feel like being in a relationship is the stupidest thing a person can do because it's just bound to fail and all you're going to end up feeling is hurt. I just want to separate myself from everything and everyone so I can protect myself from ever getting so close to someone and therefore, so hurt.
Comments (1)
Without knowing too many of the details...I would give it time
without trying to make things better because I am not sure that your
actions would be perceived the way you want them to.
I guess my best advice is (and I probably should have told you that)
to let him come to you. I don't know him, how your breakup went down or
how is temperament is, but I do know that after a breakup, there
usually needs to be a period of separation for both of you to get
yourselves used to being apart. I think that putting the ball in his
court is a good idea.
As for your future relationship with him,
I guess that I would say that if you give him time and space, he will
see that you aren't some "psycho" ex...maybe he will chalk your last
encounter as being newly broken up still and needing time to figure out
where your boundaries are. Give it time...I know that it hurts, but
things are bound to straighten out with time.